DUSTYBEAR'S LAUGH TRACK

JESUS AND 'MO'

2007-07-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

#4 (and make it good)

2007-07-12T02:42:00.000-07:00

"I think Dustybear is the hottest thing on the planet, because______________."

ALL answers will be seen by Bear. Analyzed, scrutinized, mulled, giggled over, screamed at, tossed in blender/shredder/mixmaster/disposal/

purified, electrified, and other assorted fun and mayhem.
SO MAKE IT GOOD.

#3

2007-07-12T02:34:00.001-07:00

"If I could say anything I wanted to to Justin Timberlake, I would whisper this in his ear: ____________________."

Q#2

2007-07-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

"I was THOOOO DRUNK, that____________."

Okay. Here's a fun thing...

2007-07-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

#1. "There I wath, jest sitting around minding my own business, when____________."

2007-07-10T06:35:00.001-07:00

THE JURY IS STILL OUT ON THE CHIHUAHUA

2007-07-10T05:04:00.000-07:00

A man is walking his dog and passes a little restaurant. The cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are permitted.

After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it out. He puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the restaurant with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The waiter says, "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in the restaurant."

The man says, "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."

The waiter responds skeptically, "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a Chihuahua."

The man responds, "A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua"?!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives.
--John Adams (John AdamsBear was one of mah ancestors. TRUE!)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

My town takes jury selection very seriously.

So much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.

It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain.

2007-07-09T13:28:00.001-07:00

LEGAL MANEUVERS

2007-06-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

"Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court. "

"You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days. "

"It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady."

"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now."

"Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”

AND, from the 'HOT AIR' department:

"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas."

I BET YOU THOUGHT THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

2007-06-19T03:13:00.000-07:00

The following were culled from actual Squad car Video cameras.

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just HOW big were those, 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

FROM THE: 'WHY DO I ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS STUFF AFTERWARDS' DEPARTMENT

2007-06-16T14:40:00.001-07:00

You're standing at:
1) the bar,
2) a party,
3) the supermarket,
4) the right place at the WRONG time...
and, BOZO shows up.

He/she/it/shit for short,
always inserts his foot in his mouth,
displays a UNIQUE penchant
for insensitivity,
makes you nuts,
teeters on lunacy,
and bores your socks off.

In your mind, you struggle for
JUST
the right thing to say.

FINALLY, he/she/it/shit for short...
walks/flounces/careens/sashays/
crawls off...
JUST in the nick of time
(Your gun was almost fully loaded)...
and just as they disappear from view...
you remember...

ALL THE THINGS
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID,
like...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Thank you.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your UNIQUE
point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you
doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision.
I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was
young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape
over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job,
but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan...
but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. I just heard something that you might find
interesting. I've never met anyone before who
I could say that about.

15. I really must compliment you.
I've never seen a member of your species
walk upright before. (Nobody else has either).

16. You know, I have a large bag
that would look AB SOLUTE LY
FAAAAAAAAABULOUS...
over your head.

17. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt,
but were you saying something important?
Nope, guess not.

18. Please let me know when you're done talking
so I can turn my mind back on.

19. Your mother smoked pot, used cocaine,
AND drank a lot when she was pregnant, didn't she.
(She must have known what she was about to do
to the rest of us).

20. Did you ever notice that when you talk,
other people don't care.

21. Talking to you reminds me.
I have to go take a 'dump'.

22. I love that outfit.
It's sooo retro...something or other.

23. You must REALLY like that outfit.
You wear it so often.

24. I must be getting old.
I can't run as fast when I see you coming
as I used to be able to.

25. I just watched the movie 'KABOOM' last night
on DVD. Kept thinking of you for some reason.

26. I'm sorry.
Did you just say something interesting?
Wait, that's impossible.

27. I just watched the Dog Show on TV.
I was surprised you weren't there.

28. Yes, I did hear you sing the other night.

A) It reminded me of my vacuum cleaner
just as the belt is about to go.
B) You hit notes only dogs can hear.
Poor dogs.
C) I could hardly hear you
over all those dogs howling.

29. I heard you went to that new plastic surgeon
at the mall.

A) He IS new, isn't he.
B) I hope you got your money back.
C) Graduated at the bottom of his class I bet.
D) Left handed, I see.
E) Guess he must not be used to working on
your species.
F) Don't tell me. Let me guess. He used to be
a veterinarian.
G) How nice you could be his very first patient.
He definitely needs the practice.
H) This is a prime example of how doctors insure
that you will come back.
I) Maybe it will all grow out.

30. Everytime I see you I can't help but think:
I've really got to stop coming here.

31. I feel a weird urge to call the Guiness people.
But, where would I start?

32. I bet you're an only child, aren't you.
Certainly wouldn't wanna risk doing THAT again.

33. Dang. You just reminded me.
I need to send my donation to Planned parenthood.

34. Amazing. I never knew that Tinkerbell
had an ugly stepsister.

35. I heard recently that sex is highly overrated.
Guess we know who that person had just been with.

36. I've heard of bi-polar but you must be bi-planet.
Most of you is here, but your head is in Uranus.

37. You know what happened to the planet Pluto?
You're next.

38. That dentist of yours drilled a little
too deep again, didn't he sweetpea.

39. Gee, I'm sorry...
but I just don't have time to stop and chat.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

40. GAWD, this is SUCH a thrill.

I don't believe I've ever met anyone before...
who was tossed out of a trailer park because they
didn't meet the park standards!

Environmental CRAP

2007-06-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have NO intention of EVER shaking hands with this bozo.

SAD SAD NEWS

2007-06-14T22:16:00.001-07:00

Sad News :

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkie, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

A QUICK TIME OUT...to answer your probing health and fitness questions

2007-06-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Just to finally put to rest that Bear is always joking around and never serious (blasphemous charge, of course...which of necessity will require severe punishment, in the form of a severe tongue-lashing*),

We thought this would be a good time for Bear to answer some of the probing questions asked by readers concerning health and fitness. The questions and Bear's thoughtful and carefully crafted responses follow:

Enjoy, and GOOD HEALTH to you all!

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn, and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A GASP! No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Ale too. Vodka? Potatoes...another veggie. Veggies are HEALTH food.

So, Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ......
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure,
explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Thanks, and please stay tuned. Next, Bear will attempt to answer some probing questions about nuclear physics. Right, Bear?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay. He is doing research right now, but...

(*NOTE: IT IS TIME TO ADMINISTER YOUR PUNISHMENT: Please present yourselves forthwith...and in order for the tongue-lashing to be most effective, we request a list of your most TICKLISH spots.)

SOME THINGS TO PONDER...

2007-06-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

Just Some Things to Ponder...hehehe

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?

How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

Didn't the guy who laughs last have to have it explained to him?

Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad?

Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn’t the door always open?

Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear?

Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?

Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess for the washing machine?

IT WOULD ONLY TAKE ONE, TOO

2007-06-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole"? I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter of factly.

"Really"? I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited"?

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

WINNER OF THE CHAIN LETTER OF THE WEAK AWARD

2007-06-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

Dear___________[insert name of victim here]

Hello my name is Ima Doofus.

I am suffering from several rare and deadly diseases,

poor scores on final exams,

extreme unwanted virginity,

poor hygiene habits,

a toaster that won't,

a sister who is a whore, [Juana Duit],

Malaria,

Jungle Rot,

bad complexion,

A car that ONLY goes in reverse,

SEVERE ACNE, between my toes,

dysfunctional pubic hair,

dysfunctional pubic EVERYTHING,

and,

fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution.

I also suffer the guilt

not

having forwarded

50 billion fucking chain letters

sent to me by people

who actually believe

that if you send them on,

a poor little 6 year old girl

in Arkansas

with a breast on her forehead

and a leg coming out of her ear

will be able to raise enough money

to have them removed

BEFORE

her redneck parents sell her

to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe

that Bill Gates is going to give you,

and everyone else

to whom you send

his e-mail

$1000? or $10,000?

How stupid are we? Hmmmmm...

[It's a RHETORICAL question...grr]

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO,

LOOKIE HERE MARY!

If I scroll down this page and make a wish,

I'll get laid by every model in Playboy!"

What a load of bullshit!

Basically, this message is a big

FUCK YOU

to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do

than to sit around making up

these stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the EVIL

CHAIN LETTER LEPRECHAUNS

will come into my dwelling

and sodomize me

in my sleep

HMMM>..

grrr

ok....

or hook electrodes to my thin

but adorable frame

and devastatingly

lovely butt,

and zap me up

into some alien craft

for carnal exploration

by a group of.........

[wait,

hmmm

that actually happened...

*BIG SMILE*]

ANYWAY!......

to probe, plunder,

and pillage,

AND,

to perpetrate

MAJOR NASTIES

about my personhood>>>

FOR...

the reason of MY....

NOT FORWARDING

a chain letter

that was started in

the year 5 AD

by some itinerant fisherman

named Peter

and brought to America

by the pilgrims

on the Mayflower
and which,

if it makes it to the year 2007,

will be in

the Guinness Book of
World Records

for the longest streak of

BLATANT STUPIDITY

known to mankind!

Fuck them!

If you are going to forward something,

at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the

"send this

to 50 of your

closest friends,

and

this poor wretched excuse

for a human being

will somehow receive 5 cents
from some omniscient being"

forwards about 900 times.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE!

Show a little intelligence

and think about what you're actually

contributing to

by sending out these forwards.

Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

Do you really think that if you

forward a message

to ten unlucky people

that you will get to see

a funny video on your screen?

WAKE UP PEOPLE!.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter

that's threatening to leave you

shagless,

luckless,

or BRAIN DEAD

for the rest of your life,

DELETE IT!

If you think that by forwarding

ENOUGH

of them,

I will like you any better,

I don't think

THAT

is going to do it either!

.
If it's FUNNY,

by all means..

send it on.

YEH..

love the funny stuff..

HELL, I like YOU!

But,

DON'T

piss people off

by making them feel guilty

about a leper in Botswana

with no teeth

who has been tied

to a dead elephant

for 27 years

and whose

only

salvation

lies in the 5 cents

per head
he'll receive

if you forward this e-mail,

lest he end up like Martha Stewart

Right?

[Wait, SHE was on House Arrest,

surrounded by opulence, AND people who love her.

She, after a penalty phase following a SEVERE lapse

of judgement..now has new TV shows....

OK OK, bad example..hehehe]

Now,

PUT ON A BIG SMILE,

and FORWARD THIS

TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

OTHERWISE,

tomorrow

a band of marauding pygmies

will invade your underwear,

and,

being that they are

carnivorous by nature

will consume your genitals...

but hey,

at least

THEY

might find them tasty!!!..

That is,

if you have the $%O(*&% to do so..!

HEHEHE~!!!

In ALL sincerity,

Dustybear...

OMG>.what is that

SENSATION,

in my briefs..

EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

ttys..

EEEEEEEEEEEK!

2007-06-06T22:31:00.001-07:00

Just got the galley proofs for mah latest tome, and am HAHRD at work proofreading all 806 pages. GASP!

THUS, additions to mah blogs may be a tad slow to non-existent for a few days. But, I will be doing SOME entries. So, be checking.

YEH!

BULLETIN BORED: NEW SUMMER CLASS SCHEDULE

2007-06-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

NEW

SUMMER CLASSES

FOR STRAIGHT MEN
AT THE
"LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY June 29th, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THE SUBJECT MATTER, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between

The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes ---

Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things ---

Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And

Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch ---

Bringing Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost

Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly

While Your Significant Other Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live ---

Basic Differences Between your mother

and your significant other.
2 weeks, role playing

Meets Thursdays
at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Due to the fire which occurred during last weeks class...the location for this class is still to be determined.

Class 15
The Vacuum Cleaner -
It's purpose and functions,
tools and accessories
Special open forum with video presentation/demonstrations on the various non-sexual usages for this important home appliance
Meets 5 nights 7 - 10pm

Class 16
The Washer/Dryer
Training Seminar
BONUS: Ima Slutte, home economist, offers a symposium on hangars, coat racks, linen closets, and towel racks

Meets M-W-F 7:00pm

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and for
the best chuckle of their day!

INSTRUCTORS PROVIDED BY THE GLBT COMMUNITY CENTER

in support of wives and lovers everywhere

Db 2007

INSURANCE PROCEEDS

2007-06-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here"?

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled.

"Gee," he asked. "How do you start a flood"?

DID YOU EVER...

2007-06-04T20:57:00.001-07:00

This actually was quite hilarious! and fun to do. Just read the
"offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until
you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are
done, send it on to your friends.

Title your email "My fine is $........" in the subject line.

You don't have to confess your answers...  

just the amount of your fine. 

$1,555.60 is the Max

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church --  $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was  next to you -- $40

Had sex with someone from MySpace --  $25

Had sex for money -- $100

Ever had sex with a different race --  $20

Beat up someone -- $20

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10

Been jumped -- $10

Crossed-Dressed -- $10

Given money to a stripper -- $25

Been in love with a stripper -- $20

Kissed someone whose name you didn't know --  $0.10

Hit on someone of the same sex while at work --  $15

Ever drive drunk -- $20

Ever got drunk at work or went to work still drunk --  $50

Used toys while having sex -- $30

Got drunk, passed out, and didn't remember the night before  -- $20

Went skinny-dipping -- $5

Had sex in a pool -- $20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex --  $20

Cheated on your significant other --  $10

Masturbated -- $10

Cheated on your significant other with
their  relative or close friend -- $20

Given oral -- $5

Gotten oral -- $5

Given/gotten oral in a moving vehicle --  $25

Stole something -- $10

Had sex with someone in jail --  $25

Made a nasty home-video -- $15

Had a threesome -- $50

Had sex in the wild -- $20

Been in the same room where others were having sex
and you weren't --  $25

Stole something worth more than $100 -  $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older than you --  $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you were over 25  -- $25

Been 'in love' with two or more people at the same  time -- $50

Told someone you love them but didn't mean it --  $25

Went streaking -- $5

Went streaking in broad daylight --  $15

Been arrested -- $5

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $0.50 (You're LYING if you  don't
add this one LOL)

Played Spin-The-Bottle -- $5

Done something you regret -- $20

Had sex with your best friend -- $20

Had sex with someone you work with...at work --  $25

Had anal sex -- $80

Lied to your significant other -- $5

Lied to your significant other about their sex being  good -- $25

Ever tied up someone during sex --  $50

Ever been tied up during sex -- $75

BONUS:

Ever had sex while parachuting -- $100
Ever had sex in the tunnel of love/haunted house -- $50
Ever told your best friend you had sex
with someone you didn't -- $25
Ever get SO drunk that you have no idea
if you had sex or not -- $75
Ever had a dream about having sex with an animal -- $75
(A Bear comes to mind)

Tally it up and send it to your  friends...

Title it...

"MY FINE IS_____"

Max fine is $1555.60

You can also add it in the comments section,
but  include your screen name.

OKAY...NO LYING...LOL
(Thanx to Justin DeVries of Des Moines IA for this one...with embellishments by yours truly).

...OR NATCHITOCHES

2007-06-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

EATING OUR WAY TO HEAVEN - OR HELL

2007-06-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

NEW CONTEST - LISSEN UP

2007-06-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs..

DUSTYBEAR'S COCKTAIL CHATTER...For People You Don't Like

2007-06-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

1) I really like standing next to you. Makes ME look SO much better.

2) Honey, that plastic surgeon SURE AS HELL has a sense of humor, don't he.

3) Gonna be LAST CALL pretty soon...and I am SO curious. If you're this ugly in the dark, I can't

WAIT to see you when the lights come on.

4) Hey, the Zoo just called. Your cage is done.

5) You know? I think you're the first woodland critter I've ever seen in this bar.

6) I'm curious. Besides your face, do you have any OTHER birth defects?

7) You used to fall out of your crib a lot, didnja swee'pea.

8) You oughta run for President. Hell, after ol' G Dubya, America NEEDS a good laugh.

9) If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone say they liked you, I'd have to borrow money

for my next drink.

10) Oh my GOD! I forgot Halloween? Oh wait...

Dustybear

DUSTYBEAR'S SENIOR MOMENTS...THE SECRET

2007-06-03T01:28:00.002-07:00

At the ripe old age of 98, you can say whatever the heck you want...and get away with it. Even if it's to a Minister.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Toward the end of a Sunday morning service recently, the Minister looked out across the congregation...and asked:

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies."

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated the question he had just asked...and this time, every person raised their hand...EXCEPT...one rather tiny and very elderly lady.

"Mrs. Pendleton? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? the Minister asked of her.

"I don't HAVE any," she replied...smiling sweetly.

"My GOODNESS Mrs. Pendleton. That is a most remarkable statement.

How old are you?"

"I was ninety-eight on my last birthday."

"Mrs. Pendleton. PLEASE. Would you come down front and tell all of us...just how a peson can live NINETY-EIGHT YEARS, and not have an enemy in the world," The Minister implored.

Dear old Mrs. Pendleton tottered her way down the aisle...and when she got down by the Minister, she turned and faced the congregation.

She stood quietly for a moment, and then...in a clear strong voice, said...

"Simple. I OUTLIVED THE SONS-OF-BITCHES."

CELEBRITY NEWSIES

2007-06-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

DIDJA HEAR DAT...

Brad got THOO horny dah othah night, that he humped a Grandfather Clock.

Yep. aka...The PITT and the Pendulum.

IT is NO secret, of korsie, that Whitney and what's his prison number...are getting a divorcey.

What isn't generally known is that BOTH are suing and counter-suing for custody...

of their STASH..

American Idol's Simon was caught in a VEDDY COMPROMISING situation with Ryan Seacrest last night. Yep, that's right...and you heard it here FIRST.

It has shocked both the U.S. and Great Britain...to hear the news. The tabloids are dispatching legions of reporters and photographers to the scene...of where it is claimed that...Simon actually...said something NICE about Ryan.

GASP!

Does this mean the man has a soul?

Probably not, but stay tuned.

Justin Timberlake is back home after a trip to the ER. Seems he plowed into a big set of double doors.

When questioned, he said that he was momentarily blinded by lust...and then mumbled something about the big KNOCKERS on the doors. It would seem that he may be suffering post-traumatic BOOBY syndrome after that wardrobe malfunction wif Janet (They long to be FREE) Jackson

MEANWHILE, it has been reported that Ms Janet's erstwhile talented but VEDDY strange brother, Michael, is HARD...at work on a new project.

He is ERECTING...a FIFTY FOOT..(GASP) likeness of himself...and get this. This massive thingy will have LASERS for eyes.

Prolly a Heat/Toddler seeking laser thingus.

Now, THAT is what I call a search engine.

In LATE-BREAKING NEWS:

O.J. Simpson, a past-spokesman for Hurtz? Sure does...

and, Ford Motor Company's Bronco...slow-speed car chases...

who is also listed in the Guiness Book for having the largest and fastest negative impact on real estate values anywhere he lives...

IS WRITING ANOTHER TELL-some (perhaps) (quasi-truthfully) BOOKIE.

GASP!

HE is reportedly going to confess that ALL of his issues with anger management began...

when Michael Jackson told him he was WAYYYYY too old for him.

This one is tentatively titled...'IF...Michael..$(*($^* me'

Brittney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have announced that they may become an 'ITEM'...

The reason? Together, they can get volume discounties on their drugs.

To quote Larry The Cable Guy,

'GITTTTTTTTTT ERRRRRRRRRRR DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN'

Jeff Foxworthy told me the other day that he had been approached by Madame Spears who, he says, wants to become an 'honorary redneck'.

'Ain't NO way, Hose. Give us respectable Rednecks a bad name. Yep Yep."

MORE LATE-BREAKING NEWS:

THIS JUST IN:

FROM THE 'STRANGER THINGS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED...AND,

'JUST SIGN IN AND GET IN LINE, POPS' Departments.

THE POPE...has now claimed responsibility for Anna Nicole Smith's six month old baby. He says it was a moment of weakness...but.

The church NEEDS all that estate money to pay the attorney fees for all the lawsuits being brought by former victims of sexual abuse."

It is reported that if it IS true that HE IS the father, the baby is gonna sue for sexual abuse damages too."

Rumor has it that after BOTH Tony Blair and ol' G Dubya are out of office, they plan to elope.

Even the insurgents in Iraq started giggling at that news.

AND...

THE NEWEST TOME FROM DUSTYBEAR...'Dime A Dance - The Saga Of Frankie And Tess'

Book 1 - Part 1

will be released on April third.

(Shameless plug)

And, that is the wrap from tinsel woodsies.

Until next time...

Remember...

Reading is good for you, and unlike Taco Bell, it doesn't cause flatulence.

WAIT...

There is something coming in over the wire...

Hmmm..

Ahhhhh

HERE IT IS FOLKS,

YOU HEARD IT HERE...

STRAIGHT FROM THE BEAR'S NEWS WIRE.

ROSIE O'DONNEL...has confessed to...

fathering Anna Nicole's baby.

Okay...that is just TOO weird.

INQUIRING BEARS WANNA KNOW...or not

2007-06-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

A MIND...

is a turrib thing to leave with a Bear...without adequate adult supervision. Hehehe.

*****************************************************************

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him ! around several
times, does he become dis-oriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it dis-gruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Or those mask things that women wear at night.

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in .. . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car isn't called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

(I just got my dry cleaning back. I know I'M depressed).

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. Why does the person answering the phone ask if you mind if they put you on hold?

Say yes. You find it deeply offensive.

Okay, then what?

I was thinking back the other day to when I was a little kid...and every night my mother would tuck me in and then we would recite the bedtime prayer...

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the...

wait.

If...I...should...WHAT?

wait..wait

HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE HEAH...

Geez.

OKAY. Who thought THAT was a suitable thing to have a child thinking about right at bedtime.

Good grief. That's right up there with Bambi and Dumbo. Cripes."

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

Did you know that there are three immutable religious truths...yep yep:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Dustybear 2007

WHO SAYS NUNS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

2007-06-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

"If practice makes perfect and nobodys perfect, why practice??"

Dustybear 2007

SHE HATH ARRIVED...

2007-06-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, it would appear she has arrived."

DUSTYBEAR PREPARES FOR NEW BOOKIE

2007-06-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

I am getting ready to do more edity, and some more writing on mah next bookie.

It's called....

'Having A Lover...For Fun And Profit'. Twill be a best-seller in the gay ghetto, Ah jest knows it.

Subtitle isth: 'AIMING FOR SUCCESS...IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS' (Film at eleven)

OR: 'Try Not To Sneeze As You Pull The Trigger'.

Of course, there will be a sequel...

'1001 Ways To Camouflage The Bodies Of Your Victims', and I am SO proud of that one.

I especially like the chapter on decorative planters. There are some exquisite macrame ones.

With a little ingenuity, and having a 'DISCREET' plumber friend helps, I have provided some wonderful plans for lawn sprinklers. Imagine your dearly departed love...standing proudly in the front yard, and 'sprinkling'. Oh, I jest loves that one. And, you can stick a little computer up his butt and set him on a timer. That way he can tinkle when you tell him to. I do so hate that random tinkly thingy.

You can also paint or stain him and stick him by the front door. Blackface. Hey, he can look like Aunt Jemima's brother. TRES kewl.

Use him as a coat rack. Towel rack. OH, dah possibilities are END...less.

Well, bois and boisterous, I gots tah git to work. I'm working on a new project. HEHEHE.

(Evil grin). It's like one of them old-time water pump thingys. Yep, you crank that 'THING' up and down, stuff comes out of his moufie.

WAY kewl.

Shame I had to break up with him though. But it WAS time. Ran out of bullets I did. LOL.

DUSTYBEAR'S MEDICAL NEWS FOR JUNE 1st 2007

2007-06-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

These were actual hospital patient reports...enjoy!

provided by: The (Not so Great...er)
DYSFUNCTIONAL AREA MEDICAL CENTER...

where the uninsured are ALWAYS welcome
(to go somewhere else)

___________________________________________________

1. The patient refused autopsy.

The ingrate.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

First time for everything, honey.

3. Patient has left white blood cells
at another hospital.

These patients. So careless.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she was very hot
in bed last night.

Take his word for it. Trust me.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies
on her left side for over a year.

The lazy putz.

6. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared.

She ran around looking for it too...
while falling down a lot.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.

So sad...but, on the bright side...
kleenex is provided at no extra charge.

8. The patient has been depressed
since she began seeing me in 1993.

If you're just noticing that now,
I can see why she has been depressed.

9. Discharge status:
Alive but without permission.

WHAT?
THE NERVE.
YOU: STOP BREATHING THIS INSTANT...
and ask permission.

I swear.
It's getting so they will let just ANY ol' sicko in here.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.

Okay. Let's see if I understand thi...nm. I don't.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.

Just exactly how BAD can those
waffles have been?

12. She is numb from her toes down.

You gotta wonder what einstein figgered THAT out.
You ALSO gotta wonder what exactly she HAS...
beyond her toes.

"HELLO, GUINESS?
I think we got a candidate for
ANOMALY OF THE MONTH."

Wait. That's her husband hanging on.
Most uninteresting person on the planet.
Okay...no wonder she is numb down there...
and bored stiff too, I bet.

Come to think of it...
That's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?
Bored stiff. How bored can you be if you're...
and vice-versa

13. While in ER, the patient was examined,
x-rated, and sent home.

AND, a GOOD TIME was had by all.

14. The patient's skin was moist and dry.

I must say...
that is some of the busiest skin
I have ever seen.

15. Patient complained of occasional,
constant, and infrequent headaches.

Probably non-stop intermittent too.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Which merely means that he was awake...
but just didn't like you.
Move along, please.

17. A rectal examination revealed
a normal-sized thyroid.

oKAY! That just kinda defies description.
Not gonna be easy to get rid of
THAT mental image.
Now, THAT is what I call...
the LONG ARM of medical science.

18. Patient stated that she had been constipated
f0r most of her life...
until after her recent divorce.

Wotta piece of shit HE was.

19. Doctor to Doctor note:
I saw your patient today...
who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Fantastic, and while he is down there...
patient can do a tune-up
and an oil-change too.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive
to light and accomodation.

Very accomodating, I must say.
I wonder if that was determined
by a physical or merely visual exam.
On second thought, no I don't.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals
that he is circus sized.

THANK GOD! BOZO LIVES...

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Honey, I could have told you that.

23. Skin appears somewhat pale but present.

So, I guess that means that
somewhat transparent equals absent?

24. The pelvic exam will be done later today
on the floor.

GREAT.
Nobody can fall off of anything that way.

25. Patient has two teenage children,
but no other abnormalities.

What more would she need?

26. Patient came in complaining
of her mother's cooking.

That's why God invented restaurants.

27. A man came running into the emergency room,
saying he was having a baby.

Now THIS I want to see.
I'll sell tickets.
You can have the concession stand.

28. The primary surgeon for the patient
reported that the operation was
a complete success.

However the patient died.
Patient advocate indicated follow-up was necessary.

Kinda good news/bad news...right sugarplum?
Follow-up?
Like, asking the patient for his reaction?
That oughta be good.

Also kinda makes one wonder
about that surgeon's ability to
properly define the word 'success'
don't it.

YEE HAWWWWWW...
LATERSSSSSSSSSSSSS

PISSING AND MOANING

2007-06-01T00:44:00.001-07:00

HAH: I KNEW IT...

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

NOT PROOF POSITIVE

2007-06-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME

2007-06-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.