LEGAL MANEUVERS

"Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court. "

"You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days. "

"It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady."

"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now."

"Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”

AND, from the 'HOT AIR' department:

"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas."

I BET YOU THOUGHT THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

The following were culled from actual Squad car Video cameras.

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just HOW big were those, 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

FROM THE: 'WHY DO I ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS STUFF AFTERWARDS' DEPARTMENT

You're standing at: 1) the bar, 2) a party, 3) the supermarket, 4) the right place at the WRONG time... and, BOZO shows up. He/she/it/shit for short, always inserts his foot in his mouth, displays a UNIQUE penchant for insensitivity, makes you nuts, teeters on lunacy, and bores your socks off. In your mind, you struggle for JUST the right thing to say. FINALLY, he/she/it/shit for short... walks/flounces/careens/sashays/ crawls off... JUST in the nick of time (Your gun was almost fully loaded)... and just as they disappear from view... you remember... ALL THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID, like... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your UNIQUE point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan... but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. I just heard something that you might find interesting. I've never met anyone before who I could say that about. 15. I really must compliment you. I've never seen a member of your species walk upright before. (Nobody else has either). 16. You know, I have a large bag that would look AB SOLUTE LY FAAAAAAAAABULOUS... over your head. 17. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but were you saying something important? Nope, guess not. 18. Please let me know when you're done talking so I can turn my mind back on. 19. Your mother smoked pot, used cocaine, AND drank a lot when she was pregnant, didn't she. (She must have known what she was about to do to the rest of us). 20. Did you ever notice that when you talk, other people don't care. 21. Talking to you reminds me. I have to go take a 'dump'. 22. I love that outfit. It's sooo retro...something or other. 23. You must REALLY like that outfit. You wear it so often. 24. I must be getting old. I can't run as fast when I see you coming as I used to be able to. 25. I just watched the movie 'KABOOM' last night on DVD. Kept thinking of you for some reason. 26. I'm sorry. Did you just say something interesting? Wait, that's impossible. 27. I just watched the Dog Show on TV. I was surprised you weren't there. 28. Yes, I did hear you sing the other night. A) It reminded me of my vacuum cleaner just as the belt is about to go. B) You hit notes only dogs can hear. Poor dogs. C) I could hardly hear you over all those dogs howling. 29. I heard you went to that new plastic surgeon at the mall. A) He IS new, isn't he. B) I hope you got your money back. C) Graduated at the bottom of his class I bet. D) Left handed, I see. E) Guess he must not be used to working on your species. F) Don't tell me. Let me guess. He used to be a veterinarian. G) How nice you could be his very first patient. He definitely needs the practice. H) This is a prime example of how doctors insure that you will come back. I) Maybe it will all grow out. 30. Everytime I see you I can't help but think: I've really got to stop coming here. 31. I feel a weird urge to call the Guiness people. But, where would I start? 32. I bet you're an only child, aren't you. Certainly wouldn't wanna risk doing THAT again. 33. Dang. You just reminded me. I need to send my donation to Planned parenthood. 34. Amazing. I never knew that Tinkerbell had an ugly stepsister. 35. I heard recently that sex is highly overrated. Guess we know who that person had just been with. 36. I've heard of bi-polar but you must be bi-planet. Most of you is here, but your head is in Uranus. 37. You know what happened to the planet Pluto? You're next. 38. That dentist of yours drilled a little too deep again, didn't he sweetpea. 39. Gee, I'm sorry... but I just don't have time to stop and chat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! 40. GAWD, this is SUCH a thrill. I don't believe I've ever met anyone before... who was tossed out of a trailer park because they didn't meet the park standards!

Environmental CRAP

SAD SAD NEWS

Sad News :

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkie, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

A QUICK TIME OUT...to answer your probing health and fitness questions

Just to finally put to rest that Bear is always joking around and never serious (blasphemous charge, of course...which of necessity will require severe punishment, in the form of a severe tongue-lashing*),

We thought this would be a good time for Bear to answer some of the probing questions asked by readers concerning health and fitness. The questions and Bear's thoughtful and carefully crafted responses follow:

Enjoy, and GOOD HEALTH to you all!

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn, and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A GASP! No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Ale too. Vodka? Potatoes...another veggie. Veggies are HEALTH food.

So, Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ......
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure,
explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Thanks, and please stay tuned. Next, Bear will attempt to answer some probing questions about nuclear physics. Right, Bear?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay. He is doing research right now, but...

(*NOTE: IT IS TIME TO ADMINISTER YOUR PUNISHMENT: Please present yourselves forthwith...and in order for the tongue-lashing to be most effective, we request a list of your most TICKLISH spots.)

SOME THINGS TO PONDER...

Just Some Things to Ponder...hehehe

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?

How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

Didn't the guy who laughs last have to have it explained to him?

Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad?

Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn’t the door always open?

Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear?

Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?

Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess for the washing machine?

IT WOULD ONLY TAKE ONE, TOO

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole"? I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter of factly. "Really"? I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited"? "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

WINNER OF THE CHAIN LETTER OF THE WEAK AWARD

Dear___________[insert name of victim here] Hello my name is Ima Doofus. I am suffering from several rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme unwanted virginity, poor hygiene habits, a toaster that won't, a sister who is a whore, [Juana Duit], Malaria, Jungle Rot, bad complexion, A car that ONLY goes in reverse, SEVERE ACNE, between my toes, dysfunctional pubic hair, dysfunctional pubic EVERYTHING, and, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution. I also suffer the guilt of not having forwarded 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor little 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead and a leg coming out of her ear will be able to raise enough money to have them removed BEFORE her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone else to whom you send his e-mail $1000? or $10,000? How stupid are we? Hmmmmm... [It's a RHETORICAL question...grr] "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO, LOOKIE HERE MARY! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every model in Playboy!" What a load of bullshit! Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to sit around making up these stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the EVIL CHAIN LETTER LEPRECHAUNS will come into my dwelling and sodomize me in my sleep HMMM>.. grrr ok.... or hook electrodes to my thin but adorable frame and devastatingly lovely butt, and zap me up into some alien craft for carnal exploration by a group of......... .. [wait, hmmm that actually happened... *BIG SMILE*] ANYWAY!...... to probe, plunder, and pillage, AND, to perpetrate MAJOR NASTIES about my personhood>>> FOR... the reason of MY.... NOT FORWARDING a chain letter that was started in the year 5 AD by some itinerant fisherman named Peter and brought to America by the pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2007, will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest streak of BLATANT STUPIDITY known to mankind! Fuck them! If you are going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive 5 cents from some omniscient being" forwards about 900 times. I DON'T FUCKING CARE! Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. Do you really think that if you forward a message to ten unlucky people that you will get to see a funny video on your screen? WAKE UP PEOPLE!. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless, luckless, or BRAIN DEAD for the rest of your life, DELETE IT! If you think that by forwarding ENOUGH of them, I will like you any better, I don't think THAT is going to do it either! . If it's FUNNY, by all means.. send it on. YEH.. love the funny stuff.. HELL, I like YOU! But, DON'T piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation lies in the 5 cents per head he'll receive if you forward this e-mail, lest he end up like Martha Stewart Right? [Wait, SHE was on House Arrest, surrounded by opulence, AND people who love her. She, after a penalty phase following a SEVERE lapse of judgement..now has new TV shows.... OK OK, bad example..hehehe] Now, PUT ON A BIG SMILE, and FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! OTHERWISE, tomorrow a band of marauding pygmies will invade your underwear, and, being that they are carnivorous by nature will consume your genitals... but hey, at least THEY might find them tasty!!!.. That is, if you have the $%O(*&% to do so..! HEHEHE~!!! In ALL sincerity, Dustybear... OMG>.what is that SENSATION, in my briefs.. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! ttys..