DUSTYBEAR'S MEDICAL NEWS FOR JUNE 1st 2007

These were actual hospital patient reports...enjoy! provided by: The (Not so Great...er) DYSFUNCTIONAL AREA MEDICAL CENTER... where the uninsured are ALWAYS welcome (to go somewhere else) ___________________________________________________ 1. The patient refused autopsy. The ingrate. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. First time for everything, honey. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. These patients. So careless. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Take his word for it. Trust me. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. The lazy putz. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. She ran around looking for it too... while falling down a lot. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. So sad...but, on the bright side... kleenex is provided at no extra charge. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. If you're just noticing that now, I can see why she has been depressed. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. WHAT? THE NERVE. YOU: STOP BREATHING THIS INSTANT... and ask permission. I swear. It's getting so they will let just ANY ol' sicko in here. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. Okay. Let's see if I understand thi...nm. I don't. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Just exactly how BAD can those waffles have been? 12. She is numb from her toes down. You gotta wonder what einstein figgered THAT out. You ALSO gotta wonder what exactly she HAS... beyond her toes. "HELLO, GUINESS? I think we got a candidate for ANOMALY OF THE MONTH." Wait. That's her husband hanging on. Most uninteresting person on the planet. Okay...no wonder she is numb down there... and bored stiff too, I bet. Come to think of it... That's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? Bored stiff. How bored can you be if you're... and vice-versa 13. While in ER, the patient was examined, x-rated, and sent home. AND, a GOOD TIME was had by all. 14. The patient's skin was moist and dry. I must say... that is some of the busiest skin I have ever seen. 15. Patient complained of occasional, constant, and infrequent headaches. Probably non-stop intermittent too. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. Which merely means that he was awake... but just didn't like you. Move along, please. 17. A rectal examination revealed a normal-sized thyroid. oKAY! That just kinda defies description. Not gonna be easy to get rid of THAT mental image. Now, THAT is what I call... the LONG ARM of medical science. 18. Patient stated that she had been constipated f0r most of her life... until after her recent divorce. Wotta piece of shit HE was. 19. Doctor to Doctor note: I saw your patient today... who is still under our car for physical therapy. Fantastic, and while he is down there... patient can do a tune-up and an oil-change too. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation. Very accomodating, I must say. I wonder if that was determined by a physical or merely visual exam. On second thought, no I don't. 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. THANK GOD! BOZO LIVES... 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. Honey, I could have told you that. 23. Skin appears somewhat pale but present. So, I guess that means that somewhat transparent equals absent? 24. The pelvic exam will be done later today on the floor. GREAT. Nobody can fall off of anything that way. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. What more would she need? 26. Patient came in complaining of her mother's cooking. That's why God invented restaurants. 27. A man came running into the emergency room, saying he was having a baby. Now THIS I want to see. I'll sell tickets. You can have the concession stand. 28. The primary surgeon for the patient reported that the operation was a complete success. However the patient died. Patient advocate indicated follow-up was necessary. Kinda good news/bad news...right sugarplum? Follow-up? Like, asking the patient for his reaction? That oughta be good. Also kinda makes one wonder about that surgeon's ability to properly define the word 'success' don't it. YEE HAWWWWWW... LATERSSSSSSSSSSSSS