FROM THE: 'WHY DO I ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS STUFF AFTERWARDS' DEPARTMENT

You're standing at: 1) the bar, 2) a party, 3) the supermarket, 4) the right place at the WRONG time... and, BOZO shows up. He/she/it/shit for short, always inserts his foot in his mouth, displays a UNIQUE penchant for insensitivity, makes you nuts, teeters on lunacy, and bores your socks off. In your mind, you struggle for JUST the right thing to say. FINALLY, he/she/it/shit for short... walks/flounces/careens/sashays/ crawls off... JUST in the nick of time (Your gun was almost fully loaded)... and just as they disappear from view... you remember... ALL THE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID, like... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your UNIQUE point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan... but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. I just heard something that you might find interesting. I've never met anyone before who I could say that about. 15. I really must compliment you. I've never seen a member of your species walk upright before. (Nobody else has either). 16. You know, I have a large bag that would look AB SOLUTE LY FAAAAAAAAABULOUS... over your head. 17. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but were you saying something important? Nope, guess not. 18. Please let me know when you're done talking so I can turn my mind back on. 19. Your mother smoked pot, used cocaine, AND drank a lot when she was pregnant, didn't she. (She must have known what she was about to do to the rest of us). 20. Did you ever notice that when you talk, other people don't care. 21. Talking to you reminds me. I have to go take a 'dump'. 22. I love that outfit. It's sooo retro...something or other. 23. You must REALLY like that outfit. You wear it so often. 24. I must be getting old. I can't run as fast when I see you coming as I used to be able to. 25. I just watched the movie 'KABOOM' last night on DVD. Kept thinking of you for some reason. 26. I'm sorry. Did you just say something interesting? Wait, that's impossible. 27. I just watched the Dog Show on TV. I was surprised you weren't there. 28. Yes, I did hear you sing the other night. A) It reminded me of my vacuum cleaner just as the belt is about to go. B) You hit notes only dogs can hear. Poor dogs. C) I could hardly hear you over all those dogs howling. 29. I heard you went to that new plastic surgeon at the mall. A) He IS new, isn't he. B) I hope you got your money back. C) Graduated at the bottom of his class I bet. D) Left handed, I see. E) Guess he must not be used to working on your species. F) Don't tell me. Let me guess. He used to be a veterinarian. G) How nice you could be his very first patient. He definitely needs the practice. H) This is a prime example of how doctors insure that you will come back. I) Maybe it will all grow out. 30. Everytime I see you I can't help but think: I've really got to stop coming here. 31. I feel a weird urge to call the Guiness people. But, where would I start? 32. I bet you're an only child, aren't you. Certainly wouldn't wanna risk doing THAT again. 33. Dang. You just reminded me. I need to send my donation to Planned parenthood. 34. Amazing. I never knew that Tinkerbell had an ugly stepsister. 35. I heard recently that sex is highly overrated. Guess we know who that person had just been with. 36. I've heard of bi-polar but you must be bi-planet. Most of you is here, but your head is in Uranus. 37. You know what happened to the planet Pluto? You're next. 38. That dentist of yours drilled a little too deep again, didn't he sweetpea. 39. Gee, I'm sorry... but I just don't have time to stop and chat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! 40. GAWD, this is SUCH a thrill. I don't believe I've ever met anyone before... who was tossed out of a trailer park because they didn't meet the park standards!