CELEBRITY NEWSIES

DIDJA HEAR DAT... Brad got THOO horny dah othah night, that he humped a Grandfather Clock. Yep. aka...The PITT and the Pendulum. IT is NO secret, of korsie, that Whitney and what's his prison number...are getting a divorcey. What isn't generally known is that BOTH are suing and counter-suing for custody... of their STASH.. American Idol's Simon was caught in a VEDDY COMPROMISING situation with Ryan Seacrest last night. Yep, that's right...and you heard it here FIRST. It has shocked both the U.S. and Great Britain...to hear the news. The tabloids are dispatching legions of reporters and photographers to the scene...of where it is claimed that...Simon actually...said something NICE about Ryan. GASP! Does this mean the man has a soul? Probably not, but stay tuned. Justin Timberlake is back home after a trip to the ER. Seems he plowed into a big set of double doors. When questioned, he said that he was momentarily blinded by lust...and then mumbled something about the big KNOCKERS on the doors. It would seem that he may be suffering post-traumatic BOOBY syndrome after that wardrobe malfunction wif Janet (They long to be FREE) Jackson MEANWHILE, it has been reported that Ms Janet's erstwhile talented but VEDDY strange brother, Michael, is HARD...at work on a new project. He is ERECTING...a FIFTY FOOT..(GASP) likeness of himself...and get this. This massive thingy will have LASERS for eyes. Prolly a Heat/Toddler seeking laser thingus. Now, THAT is what I call a search engine. In LATE-BREAKING NEWS: O.J. Simpson, a past-spokesman for Hurtz? Sure does... and, Ford Motor Company's Bronco...slow-speed car chases... who is also listed in the Guiness Book for having the largest and fastest negative impact on real estate values anywhere he lives... IS WRITING ANOTHER TELL-some (perhaps) (quasi-truthfully) BOOKIE. GASP! HE is reportedly going to confess that ALL of his issues with anger management began... when Michael Jackson told him he was WAYYYYY too old for him. This one is tentatively titled...'IF...Michael..$(*($^* me' Brittney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have announced that they may become an 'ITEM'... The reason? Together, they can get volume discounties on their drugs. To quote Larry The Cable Guy, 'GITTTTTTTTTT ERRRRRRRRRRR DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN' Jeff Foxworthy told me the other day that he had been approached by Madame Spears who, he says, wants to become an 'honorary redneck'. 'Ain't NO way, Hose. Give us respectable Rednecks a bad name. Yep Yep." MORE LATE-BREAKING NEWS: THIS JUST IN: FROM THE 'STRANGER THINGS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED...AND, 'JUST SIGN IN AND GET IN LINE, POPS' Departments. THE POPE...has now claimed responsibility for Anna Nicole Smith's six month old baby. He says it was a moment of weakness...but. The church NEEDS all that estate money to pay the attorney fees for all the lawsuits being brought by former victims of sexual abuse." It is reported that if it IS true that HE IS the father, the baby is gonna sue for sexual abuse damages too." Rumor has it that after BOTH Tony Blair and ol' G Dubya are out of office, they plan to elope. Even the insurgents in Iraq started giggling at that news. AND... THE NEWEST TOME FROM DUSTYBEAR...'Dime A Dance - The Saga Of Frankie And Tess' Book 1 - Part 1 will be released on April third. (Shameless plug) And, that is the wrap from tinsel woodsies. Until next time... Remember... Reading is good for you, and unlike Taco Bell, it doesn't cause flatulence. Db WAIT... There is something coming in over the wire... Hmmm.. Ahhhhh HERE IT IS FOLKS, YOU HEARD IT HERE... STRAIGHT FROM THE BEAR'S NEWS WIRE. ROSIE O'DONNEL...has confessed to... fathering Anna Nicole's baby. Okay...that is just TOO weird.